


how many goddamn times do i have to say im not a hero for the universe to get the hint

by cyberneticNeon



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Angst and Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Dave Cannot Deal With a Happy Ending, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider is a Good Parent, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider is trying his best, Family, Hussie-Typical Death Toll, Mild Blood, Multi, Post-Canon, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, This completely fucks with Dave, Trolls don't come in until waaaaaayyy lateer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26489086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberneticNeon/pseuds/cyberneticNeon
Summary: Your name is Dave Strider and you have just won the game. Let’s rephrase that. Your name is Dave Strider and ONLY you have won the game.------------------------------------------------------Dave has just finished sburb and has no idea how to deal with his "happy ending."
Relationships: Dad Crocker/Dad Egbert, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider/Roxy's Mom | Alpha Rose Lalonde
Comments: 52
Kudos: 114





	1. [S]: Crumble

A young man stands alone on a space lilypad. It just so happens that it is this young man’s best bro’s 16th birthday. We all know this young man’s name.

Your name is Dave Strider and you have just won the game. Let’s rephrase that. Your name is Dave Strider and ONLY you have won the game. It all happened so quickly, you didn’t have enough time to save them all. How ironic. 

One of the Jacks, you can’t remember which one, killed Terezi. You think it was the lazer one, but you’re not entirely sure. You could have saved her, but you didn’t and it all went downhill from there. Dirk sacrificed himself to help you kill all of the Jacks in one fell swoop via decapitation and had a heroic death. (From what you knew about him, you think he would have liked that.)

The Condesce was somehow able to get control of Jane with some bullshit mind-control powers and made a self-sacrificial shishkebab out of Kanaya, Rose, (trying to protect Kanaya) and John. (trying to protect Rose) You don’t think any of them really understood how long that 2x3dent was. Roxy was able to stab HIC through the heart, or whatever the fuck the troll equivalent of that is, with some doomed timeline Dirk’s sword. You don’t know how Jane and Roxy got killed, and you really don’t want to imagine them fighting each other. You have enough depression on your plate already. 

Jake went out in a blaze of Hope, quite literally, and you see quite a lot of temporal manipulation over there, so you honestly have no fucking clue how any of that happened. And Karkat. He- h- he fell into a volcano. You honestly have no idea how unlucky he has to have been to have done that. It’s just so hilarious and awful can’t help but start laughing.

Oh, it seems you’ve also started crying, when did that happen. Ha. There’s no-one around to see you cry. Jade’s also dead somehow and now Earth is just floating around in the middle of nowhere after being ejected from her Sylladex. Well, there go your plans for creating a new Earth. You have no idea where in paradox space she is, what with her teleporty bullshit, but you know she’s dead by the fact that you tried to use a shared fraymotif with her but it failed. You sincerely doubt it was because of distance, but by god can you hope. 

Oh god, you hope you’re not alone here with Gamzee. Oh dear sweet jegus you hope he died when the planet blew up. That would truly be a fate worse than death. Also, you’re pretty sure he had some sort of spade crush on you from way back when. Augh, even the thought of it makes you shiver. And you’re also 99% sure he or the dog Jack (so fucking many Jacks) somehow killed Jade, so, just fuck those guys. You fucking hope The Mayor made it out alive, you really couldn’t deal with him dying too.

You guess that’s enough time for brooding on the edge of the lilypad. Time to claim your “Ultimate Reward.” Woo fucking hoo. Wait, shit, what about Lord English? 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:??

TG: B33 < hey so i guess were the last ones  
TG: yeah  
TG: what happened to the other sprites?  
TG: B33 < nothing yet but the game has started unraveling them like a kitten batting a ball of yarn  
TG: wait shit really  
TG: B33 < what use does a guide have if the game is done?  
TG: fuck  
TG: what about the army  
TG: B(( < efurryone is dead  
TG: what the fuck how  
TG: B33 < you know how youre the only purrson who can kill lord english  
TG: i have no idea what youre talking about dogg  
TG: or cat  
TG: or like crow or whatever the fuck you identify as now  
TG: have you taken up the purrmusk name shit i knew my furry roleplaying days would come back to bite me  
TG: B33 < well im planning on going out on my own terms  
TG: wait what no  
TG: B33 < so anyways im gonna go impale lord english on the welsh piece of shit.  
TG: dude what no that is a very bad idea  
TG: B33 < im gonna fly him up into the green sun like a piece of fucking garbage  
TG: wait no davepeta please im begging you stop

turntechGodhead [TG] ’s computer internally combusted

TG: well shit 

Well shit indeed, guess you’re really all alone now, huh. There’s really else nothing left for you here. What use is a knight if there’s no-one left to serve. You guess Karkat lived long enough to release the frog, because it’s floating back there in all it’s tecnicolor glory. You wonder if you’ll have to create a new world from scratch. God, you hope not. You have no idea how to do anything worldbuildy. That was Jade’s (hurts) area of expertise. Well, you guess you’d just better take the plunge. 

> Dave: Finish sbu-

Wait no. You have to do this properly. You first head to Derse to collect Jane, Roxy, John, Kanaya and... you can’t bring yourself to look at any of them, least of all your ecto-sister. But you’ll have to right? You’ve got to do this. You’ve seen dead Daves before, this won’t be any different. (you try not to think about how that was years ago, as well as just you.) You turn to look at them and- oh god, oh god you can’t you just can’t. This is so much worse. Pools of red, jade and fuschia are just swirling together and you can't, you just CAN’T so you just throw up. You know Bro would beat your ass for showing this much emotion, but you honestly don’t have the energy to care right now, and you honestly couldn’t give less of a shit about his opinion anymore.

You captchalogue the bodies except for the condesce because honestly, fuck her. Just FUCK HER. You stop in your tracks. You turn back around and face the body of the final ruler of trollkind. You don’t even notice yourself equipping caledscratch, it just happens. Next thing you know you find yourself covered in fuchsia blood with her head in your hands. Didn’t even feel satisfying. A crowd has started to gather, dersite pawns looking in disbelief about yet another Strider decapitating yet another commanding dersite official. You’re beyond caring. 

You fly to LOHAC. You’ll always know where it is.

You think about throwing the bodies in the lava, it's what you did with your doomed selves after all, but you can’t help but feel that it wouldn’t be right. They are- were worth more than that. (Rose would probably have something to say about how you value yourself too little but it doesn’t matter now that she’s-) You can’t continue with that train of thought so you don’t. In fact you don’t think much of anything at all as you bring out your timetables. Logically you know that this won’t work and will just create more dead Daves but you are past caring.

youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanst - dead daves surround you - youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstillsa - hundreds of Daves pile up around you - youcanstillsavethemyouca - half of the gears in LOHAC are covered in bodies - youcanstillsavethemyoucansti- a Dave comes up to you and shakes his head. He’s killed by an ogre seconds later. - youcanstillsavethemyoucanstillsavethemyoucanstill- you- you can’t do this. You let out a guttural yell. it doesn’t matter nothing matters what’s the point some ultimate reward sburb keeps fucking us what was the point- no. You know what? No, you’re not doing this. You’re not going down this pit of self-loathing. You’re not going to let their deaths be in vain. You’re actually going to do shit.

You fly back to the lilypad. They would have wanted to have been buried in the world they created. You reach for the door, hand shaking from what? Fear, trauma, anticipation? It doesn’t matter. You turn the knob that is another goddamn skaia ball, I mean seriously why are there so many? Actually there’s only like two but who gives a shit.

> Dave: Get on with it already

Okay, okay, you know you’re stalling, but this is kind of a big deal, ya know? I mean this is an entirely new universe. You’re no seer, you don’t know what the fuck’s out there. You’re not sure if you can just leave all this behind, I mean, fuck, this is a huge decision, you can’t just rush this shit.

> Dave: Just fucking do it

Alright, jeez, pushy ass omnipotent voice. You finally open the door and-

You wake up. In a bed. Holy shit you’re sleeping in a bed. What the fuck. You look around and- holy shit it’s your room. But, it’s not. It’s like if your room was twice as big and had actual furniture. And what the actual fuck is that a legit dark room??? Whuh- uh, huh??? You realize the fact that you can easily comprehend the complexities of time travel but not the fact someone gives enough of a shit to actually get you a dark room is pretty damn ironic. 

Oh shit is this really your room? Okay maybe you should actually get out of here before whoever owns this admittedly cool as fuck room gets bac- SLAM. The door opens. You quickly try to look asleep while assessing the situation.

And then you hear a familiar voice. A friendly voice. It’s almost sounds like-

“Hey Daveyyyyyy wake up, time for breakfast!! Rosey is waiting 4 u downstairs!”

...

What the _fuck_ -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *plays roundabout*


	2. Dave: Figure out the plot

Okay, okay, okay, you’re fine, you’re not freaking out that Rose’s mom just told you to go to breakfast with Rose downstairs. Yaknow, despite the fact that you literally have her DEAD BODY in your sylladex. Oh god you have dead bodies in your sylladex. Holy shit, holy fuck how do you dispose of all of your friends and families dead bodies? Man, you did not think that you would ever have to think that, but it seems today is just fucking full of surprises.

Okay, no that may be very important, but holy shit Rose is fucking alive. You take back everything you said about sburb, actually it killed her in the first place, so still fuck that, but thank god. Wait can you thank yourself since you’re a god? How did you never think of that, that’s fucking hilarious. Dave, focus. There more important things than Rose’s spontaneous resurrection, like finding out where the fuck you are. Actually, you argue, the fact that Rose is alive is stupidly fucking important. Yeah, point, but you have no idea what’s going on, so time for some snooping around in your own room. Or at least you assume it’s your room. 

It’s like your room, but if it was in Rose's house, which makes sense, considering that you, or some alternate version of you, seems to live with them, judging by the very momly way that Alt Roxy woke you up. Though from what you’ve seen of her that is pretty much a facet of her personality. Wait did you replace this timeline’s Dave? You know what nope, you’ve ignored existentialism about your alternate selves for this long, not gonna start now.

You head over to your computer at an actual desk (is this like some fucking antique mahogany desk or some shit? you knew rose’s mom was loaded but what the fuck) to do some recon on weither or not your friends remember the game. You mean, they probably do, but as you’ve learned over the years, it’s better safe than sorry. And also paradox space likes to fuck with you constantly, though you’re pretty sure it did that to everybody. This is not a very comforting train of thought.

You log into your fancy-ass computer and open up Pesterchum, checking your chumroll on the side. There is John, Rose, Jade, the alternates of your guardians, a few other tags you don’t recognize, and a distinct lack of the trolls. Fuck. You type in carcinoGeneticist and are met with a non-existent user error. Double fuck. Wait, didn’t they use Trollian or some shit? Maybe without sburb you can’t cross connect? Okay, admittedly your theory makes absolutely no fucking sense, but despite the fact that they had some funky-ass letters, it still came out in perfect english, leetspeak and all, so anything’s possible.

You try a few more times with all of the trolls, even the ones you forgot about. You mean who the fuck had a handle named centaursTesticle? Man, you wish you spoke to the other trolls more before, well the whole psychomurderer 3x combo that happened. Man your thoughts sure are depressing today. It’s probably because you saw all you friends and family die and STILL HAVE THEIR DEAD BODIES, which is still kind of a FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE, but it’ll be fine with some good old fashioned denial and distraction. Yup, let’s just focus on other things now.

Maybe it’s just your computer that’s the problem? You decaptchalogue your turntop out of your array modus. Look, you know it’s boring, but after a hearty FUCK sends your last bottle of JUICE into the clutches of a murder clown, the gimmick gets quite old. Looking at the computer, the handles are still there, just greyed out. Progress. You decide to just type something random to Karkat.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TG: hey karkat are you uh fucking alive i guess  
TG: are you not dead  
TG: or wait are you in the dream bubbles or some shit  
TG: where/when are you  
TG: where/when am i  
TG: fuck man i should know this im the time guy  
TG: everyone just goes up to me and is like hey are you the guy who knows about time  
TG: and im like fuck yeah i know about time  
TG: time is my jam  
TG: give them some sagely advice  
TG: like dont go to brunch on thursday  
TG: youll get some soggy ass pancakes  
TG: go to waffle house instead  
TG: also get the hashbrowns  
TG: those waffle house hashbrowns are the shit  
TG: i mean yeah the waffles are fucking heavenly  
TG: its in the name for gogs sake  
TG: its not called hashbrown house  
TG: but imagine if someone made a chain restaurant that primarily served hashbrowns  
TG: but anyways he just walks away at this point like a jackass  
TG: and goes to the fucking ihop anyway  
TG: and the pancakes are soggy as shit  
TG: i warned you about the pancakes bro  
TG: i told you dog  
TG: but seriously are you there  
TG: am i just talking into the void  
TG: because usually by now youd be telling me to shut my windpipe or whatever the hell the troll word is  
TG: so im just going to assume these are not going through  
TG: well i hope youre okay i guess  
TG: let me know if you need anything  


Oh my god why did you say that, “let me know if you need anything” he can’t fucking hear you. Ahhh you’re such an idiot. You bang your head on your desk. Right, sburb, you need to see if that’s a thing. You are about to open up a board or a memo or some shit, but there’s already one with everyone applicable on it. Huh. How convenient.

turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on Dirk please stop changing the title of the board to a link to All Star. (or never gonna give you up (this applies to you too, Dave.)) -Jane  


TG: hey so do any of you guys remember sburb  
TG: i mean if you dont thats chill and all  
TG: but if you do than thatd be pretty cool if you let me know  
TG: alright uhh are you all on here  
TG: yes or no  
TG: fuck im like some sort of schoolgirl passing notes in class  
TG: going to stacey like hey can you pass this to jimmy cuz hes looking hella fine  
TG: yeah know cuz i know for a fact that she likes jimmy why wouldnt she hes a fucking stud but she is way to intimidated to talk to him  
TG: oh fuck used the wrong two  
TG: rose is gonna have my ass  
TG: but we both know she cant surpass  
TG: cause we know she doesnt have the strider style  
TG: writing all of her psychology files  
TG: just because we share some genes  
TG: and because she writes some poems  
TG: she just cant write rhymes this obscene  
TG: and you know im gonna show em  


ghostyTrickster [GT] responded to the memo  


GT: dave please no.  
GT: it's been so long.  
GT: don't do this now!  
TG: oh shit were going retro with the handles  
GT: ????????  
GT: how so?  
TG: actually you know what nevermind  
GT: o-kay?????  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] responded to the memo  


GG: Hello Dave. I’m not quite sure I know what you’re talking about.  
TG: hey johns hot mom  
TG: i mean uhhhhhhhh  


tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to the memo  


TT: Oh my.  
GT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to the memo  


TG: lmfafoooooooooo  
GT: n- no seriously dave, what the FUCK????  
TG: well i mean your hot mom is pre-  
TG: wait no fuck, i mean jane  
GG: ...  
TT: Dave you do realize this is more than a simple slip of the tongue, correct?  
TT: You have to have made a conscious effort to type this out twice. Not that I’m complaining of course. I feel this will have a fine place next to your freudian slips in my journal.  
TG: shit rose  
TG: i mean only one journal  
TG: i feel like youre underselling this  
GT: i feel like we’re losing sight of the topic here that dave called jane MY HOT MOM.  
GT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????  


timaeusTestified [TT] responded to the memo  


TT: What’s this about Dave saying something else to be forever filed into one of Rose’s journals?  
TG: oh my gog how do you even know about this  
TT: I have eyes and ears everywhere.  
TG: ive benn giving him ths deets ;)  
TG: whyyyy  
GT: is no one else freaking out about this????  
GG: I also can’t quite comprehend...  
GG: Whatever this is.  
TG: i mean janey shre is fine ;) *wonk*  
GG: Oh my goodness I understand that this is normally par for the course and all but I am a bit shaken by all this.  
GT: oh my god jane are you blushing.  
GT: what is even happening anymore?!?  
GT: is this just the new norm???  
GT: bros just hitting on their bros sisters with weird familial implications????  
TT: Yes.  
TG: *wonks 2 the maxxxxxxzzxxxxxxx*  
TT: It appears so.  
GT: oh my god what is wrong with you strilondes  
TT: Dave’s strange flirtation with uncomfortably tying familial relations with romance has been an ever present part of his character for many years.  
TT: It’s all chronicled in his 7th journal if you would like to read it.  
TT: Keep in mind it is currently being revised in light of this conversation.  
TG: rose i know for a fact that you are eating breakfast  
TT: Who says I need to eat?  
TG: rose i lived with you for years  
TG: i have seen you eat  
TT: Ah, I see you’ve met my doppelgänger who has always lived with us, but I have never revealed before now.  
TT: I am sorry that you have come to the false conclusion that I require sustenance to survive.  
TG: oh my fucking god you would use the stupid dots over the a like a pretentious asshole  
TT: Like you have room to talk, dear brother.  
TT: Remember that hipster phase you went through a few years back?  
TG: this is lies and slander and i dont have to take it  
TG: besides youre still fucking going through your goth phase after gog knows how long  
TT: How bold of you to assume I have ever not been going through my goth phase.  
GT: i'm kind of just noping out of this conversation because this is just so weird??  
GT: i know i have known you both for years, but i still can’t handle this.  
GT: i'm gonna go lie down for a bit.  
TG: alright peace  
TG: tell your hot mom i said hi  
TG: *fuck*  


ghostyTrickster [GT] has left the memo  


TG: alright this has been a complete disaster  
TG: im gonna close this now before anything else can happen  


golgothasTerror [GT] responded to the memo  


GT: Howdy chums, what’s this memo about?  
TG: nope  


turntechGodhead [TG] has closed the memo  


Well that conversation got completely derailed by your accidental slip-up. You got absolutely no useful information out of that conversation besides the fact that no-one remembers sburb, which, being honest with yourself, was the pretty much worst possible scenario.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyyy Daaaaaaavvvvveeeeyyyyy, come down, u need 2 eat yah know?”

Oh, yeah, right that was a thing. Shit, do you even have any stockpiles of food in this room? You got so lost in assessing the situation that you forgot to prepare yourself. Shit, you’re getting rusty. Ugh, you’re really not looking forward to going down there. From what Rose told you about her mom, she was always the one for the passive-aggressive psychological warfare, but after interacting with Roxy, you give that about as much credit as Egbert’s taste in movies.

You recaptchalogue your turntops and decide to carefully head downstairs. As expected the house is full of statues of wizards. However, before you can fully admire and or question the massive fucking wizard statue in the middle of the goddamn house, your attention is grabbed by the heavenly smell of bacon wafting through the air. Hell. Fucking. Yes. You don’t really pay that much attention to your surroundings as you move over to grab yourself a delicious plate of the rare delicacy, when you are then spotted by Roxy. 

She immediately pulls you into a large mom embrace, making you immediately freeze up. Oh gog, are you supposed to hug back? How do you do this? You stiffly pat her on the back. That seems right? You think? If it isn’t right then she doesn’t say anything about it as she starts talking.

“Davey I luv u n all but r u wearin a cape?”

Ahh. It seems that you are, in fact, wearing a cape. Hmmm. You did not consider the fact that you should probably come downstairs in, well, actual clothes instead of the magic hero pajamas. Rose looks up from her phone and seems to regard you for the first time. You’re not sure if you’re more unnerved by the fact she doesn’t say anything, or by the Look she gave you. You don’t know how, but you know she will bring this up at a later date and somehow do... something. Despite living with her for years, she’s still as stupidly enigmatic as ever, though you know in her heart she is a total hopeless lesbian. Wait, shit, this Rose never met Kanaya or any of the other trolls. Gee, the sad pile sure doesn’t stop from getting taller.

You take your plate of bacon and eggs, and of course thank mom because despite the fact that you have never cooked, and probably will never cook a meal in your life, you can tell this lady makes a mean eggs and bacon. You start to retreat to your room when Momlonde begins to chide you.

“Awwww cmooooon Davey, sit down, we nevr eat 2gether anymore as a family.”

You and Rose both simultaneously roll your eyes at the sheer uncoolness of this situation. What are you, some kind of functional familial unit? Even if this is an alternate universe, you know that your families will never live without some kind of bullshit drama.

“Le sign. I kno u n ur bro think ur 2 cool 4 skool but u need to do fam things.”

Wait just one gog damned minute. You, she can’t mean when you think she means right? Bro isn’t here right? He can’t be, right? You saw him die. (but then again you saw dirk die but you just finished talking to him didnt you) And then you look around and notice it. Passive aggressive battles between orange and purple ink on the fridge. (nah, you mean they could have just run out of different colored pens) An extra plate left out with a glass of orange soda. (what, no it’s just... uhhh, not that) Fucking, smuppets wearing tiny wizard hats. (no... it, you mean... fuck)

But the most damning piece of evidence is standing right behind you.

“Hey lil man. What in the everloving fuck are you wearing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally I was going to have the pesterlog slowly become just some Dave being sad and emo because his friends don’t remember sburb, but then Dave just walked up to the mic, went “johns hot mom” and there he goes. The big man.... HASS the outline. And then he ally’yoops it straight into the fucking garbage bin. the plot... is on, FIRE. Then he just goes “thank you for coming for my ted talk” and heelies out of the room. God fucking damn it Dave.
> 
> I guess you can enter commands or suggestions or something, because Dave has just trashed my “friends get worried over his odd behavior over pesterchum” arc. Which was supposed to be the main plot. Wait a fuck, did Dave just play me into not talking about his emotions? Holy shit.


	3. Dave: Flip the fuck out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to take this time to remind you that Dave is a completely reliable and unbiased narrator and everything he says is definitely 100% true.

Oh hey, Bro is standing right behind you. Bro is standing right behind you. You are most certainly not caught off guard, and you most certainly do not have a deer in the headlights look like you’re some kid that got caught stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar. No siree. 

“Uhh, you doing alright there lil dude?” he says, tilting his head a whatever the the fuck you measure really short distances is. Your aspect is time, not space.

“Y-yeah Bro I’m fine” you say in a completely steady and not shaky at all tone and don’t flinch as Bro puts his hand on your shoulder, completely not concerned because this is completely non-concerning behavior. Actually, what hand on your shoulder? Bro most certainly wouldn’t do that. Because A, there is absolutely no reason to because you are fine and absolutely not internally having a panic attack, and B, Bro most certainly wouldn’t show enough emotion to do such an emotional gesture. 

In fact you’re not entirely sure he has emotions? You mean of course you know he has emotions, you’re not like 6 anymore, you know that, but, how do you explain this, uhhh, shit, wait, so-

“Dave, are you alright?” inquires Rose in a deeply concerned and kind of maternal tone that reminds you of Kanaya, completely interrupting your internal monologue about how completely fine and unstressed you are.

“Shit yeah rose I'm doing peachy, I am completely chill, I’m like a fucking cucumber in Antarctica that’s how utterly chill I am. Chilling out with the polar bears they’re like, ‘shit I dont know what a cucumber is because I’m a polar bear but goddamn if that whatever the fuck that is isnt the chillest motherfucker.’” you say completely stoically and not at all worried about people finding out how not fine you are doing.

> Dave: Abscond the fuck out of there

“Dave, you are almost certainly not ‘completely chill,’ judging by the-” you don’t hear the rest of her sentence due to you flashstepping up the stairs, which is fucking dangerous, your warnings about stairs are from personal experience, and enter your room. As you let out a breath you most certainly had not been holding, you hear a ping from pesterchum.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Also polar bears are not found in Antarctica, Dave.  
TT: But seriously are you alright?  
TG: look rose im not in the mood to deal with your therapist schick right now  
TT: Alright Dave, I promise I won’t work my therapist wiles on you.  
TT: Unless you change your mind, of course.  
TG: ms lalonde are you trying to seduce me into telling you my innermost secrets  
TT: No, but it is quite interesting that that is what you gathered from that.  
TG: rose  
TT: Okay, yes, I promised I would drop it.  
TG: *long ass sigh*  
TG: rose do you remember sburb  
TT: I can’t say that I know what that means.  
TG: wait ive gotta screenshot that  


You are totally saving that for later

TT: Very funny David.  
TG: please stop  
TT: No.  
TT: Anyways, am I allowed to ask you what this is about?  
TG: nope  
TT: Despite the fact that you were the one to bring it up in the first place?  
TG: yep  
TT: So I cannot, 1. “work my therapisty wiles” on you, 2. Ask you about your whole freakout earlier, or 3. Ask you about what sburb is, despite the fact that you are clearly desperate for me to know what it is.  
TG: yep  
TG: also why did you quote yourself  
TT: Well, I thought it sounded more professional that way.  
TG: rose you are a nerd  
TT: So are you.  
TT: David.  
TG: rose i swear to the cosmos and the frog that we reside in if you say david one more time i will do an acrobatic fucking pirrouete so far off the handle that i will end up landing on jupiter  
TT: I almost want to do that just to see your reaction.  
TG: i fucking double dog dare you  
TT: Oh woe is me, not the dreaded double dog dare?  
TG: oh you know its the double dog dare  
TG: you cannot back down from a double dog dare  
TG: it is simply the most binding there is  
TT: Oh no.  
TG: oh yes  
TG: actually there is a contract even more binding  
TT: Pray tell?  
TG: the do double g dare  
TT: As in the famous rap artist, now turned reggae singer?  
TG: im sorry what  
TT: Oh, I assumed that you were referencing the famous Snoop Dogg, who after experiencing a so called spiritual awakening in Jamaica, changed his pseudonym to Snoop Lion and is now pursuing a more reggae focused style.  
TG: oh shit  
TT: You really must be off your game today, seeing as how you and the rest of the Strider name already had the mock funeral for the Snoop Dogg name.  
TT: It was really quite a touching eulogy you gave, punctuated by the pouring out of a cold AJ for your homie. [sic]  
TT: Only the sickest beats were played during the reception.  
TT: Our dearest father even shed a single tear. It was quite uncomfortable honestly.  
TT: I suppose overly dramatic funerals run in the family.  


Holy actual shit, you can’t believe you missed that happening, both the whole reggae thing and the probably banging funeral. Shit, man this changes things, how are you going to deal with this on top of everything else? Snoop is no Dwayne Johnson, but he was your rock in the turbulent seas of paradox space. This is a lot to take in for just one day. You can’t deal with this so you just decide to curl back up onto your bed. 

You hear a few pings from Pesterchum, but can’t bring yourself to read them. Today has been just too damn emotionally exhausting and you cannot fucking deal. Before you lie down and conk the fuck out, you hear a rapping (not the lyrical kind but a fancy word for knock) at your door.

“Hey lil man, we’re flying out to Washington in a couple hours to get to your homo crush’s b-day celebration. You better be ready by nine.”

“Yeah- Bro alright.” you say, calmly. Yeah, you can handle this. It’s almost like you’re back in your Houston apartment, but Bro actually has the courtesy to knock instead of lockpicking your door like the fucking ninja he is. Also, completely off topic, but, holy fuck, your fridge has food in it. Like, you know on the meteor you had a thermal hull or some shit that didn’t actually have much food, it was mainly just bugs in it, but still. It’s not like Bro was there.

Actually, come to think of it, this house is fairly... normal. You mean wizards aside, cuz those definitely fall under abnormal. The only mark Bro has left is a few wizardly smuppets here or there. There weren’t any swords or other miscellaneous sharp objects anywhere you could see, and he actually talked to you instead of breaking your lock, taking you to the roof, and leaving a note of whatever he was planning on saying to you on your chest after the Strife. This Bro seems almost, scarily normal in comparison. You mean, he actually talked to you. It’s kind of tripping you out, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

> Dave: Realize what the fuck was Bro actually saying.

Oh, oh shit. It’s Egbert’s birthday. That was kind of forgotten, what with the whole “battle for the universe” shit going on, but that never stopped being a thing that was happening or anything. Wait, what day even is it? You check your iShades, and actually, why the fuck did you bring out your turntops earlier? You are literally fucking *wearing a computer.* Anyways, you check the time on your iShades and it is completely scrambled from your time hopping shenanigans earlier on. Fair nuff.

Better just check the big computer instead. You open up the calendar and, today is, drum roll please... Saturday, April 13th, 20...13? You swear it was still 2012 when you opened the door. Did the door send you a year forwards in time? Are you 17 now? Or did everyone get born a year later? Wait how the fuck do the genetics of this work? None of you even naturally exist, how does that work, were you naturally born in this universe? Wait does that mean that your Bro and Rose’s mom, nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. Hey look Rose is still pestering you.

TT: Dirk and Mr. Strider even drove out from Houston.  
TT: You know, our mother can rarely get them together to celebrate Christmas.  
TT: It seems, unsurprisingly, as though Snoop Dogg is the real tie between our families.  
TT: Dave, are you still there?  
TG: yeah rose chill bro just let me know that were going to washington in a few  
TT: Yes, our father let me know through a note through my door, followed by a previous note I left him last week, corrected with a semicolon replacing a comma.  
TT: Try as I might, I simply cannot return the favor as his grammar is flawless.  
TG: hey can you stop that  
TT: Stop what?  
TG: the whole father thing  
TG: its just... really fucking weird  
TG: now look what youve done you made me use punctuation  
TT: I’m sorry to have ruined your cultivated typing style, which is not so much a style as you being too lazy to capitalize your sentences.  
TG: thats the point  
TT: You’re misusing irony.  
TG: its ironi  
TG: dammit howd you know  
TT: I have lived with you all of my life Dave, I know your idiosyncrasies by now.  
TT: By the way, I cannot believe I haven’t mentioned this until now, but I really must question your fashion choices.  
TT: I mean really Dave? A cape?  
TG: look i dont know its comfy ok  
TG: dont judge me i pull off the look  
TG: its not like im wearing some stupid orange tunic  
TT: Yes, I suppose you aren’t.  
TT: Despite that not having anything to do with the question, that is undoubtedly a statement of fact.  
TG: damn straight  
TT: *Sigh*  
TT: Dave, I want to know what’s going on.  
TG: what do you mean theres nothing going on  
TG: also did you just put something in asterisks  
TT: Dave.  
TG: rose  
TT: Dave, you are my brother and I love you, but you are an abysmal liar.  
TG: ill have you know i am an excellent liar  
TG: i was most likely to be a good liar in the highschool yearbook  
TG: are you really going to take a massive dump on the work of all those student council members  
TG: or however those are decided  
TG: i wasnt polled how can we know the truth  
TT: Case in point.  
TG: ouch  
TT: I hope I have not caused you too much pain, what with the fire of my burn.  
TG: rose please never say that again  
TT: What, can you not handle the burnage of these sicknasty fires?  
TG: okay no that actually worked  
TT: So what you’re telling me is that I have the hella swag?  
TG: aaand now were back to cringe  
TG: i hope for both our sakes that was intentional  
TT: Yes, you can rest easy at night knowing that I hate that I just said that as much as you do.  
TG: so im screenshotting that as well  
TT: Dave, if you do that I will say your full name.  
TG: you wouldnt  
TG: also its literally just dave  
TT: No it is not.  
TT: Despite what you have led others to believe, I have seen your birth certificate.  
TG: wait its not  
TG: huh  
TG: do i have a middle name too  
TT: Dave, your full name is David Elizabeth Strider-Lalonde.  
TT: How do you not know this??  
TG: elizabeth  
TT: Yes Dave, your middle name is Elizabeth.  
TG: damn  
TG: always wondered what that e stood for  
TT: Dave I am sorry but it is literally impossible for you not to have known this.  
TT: Are you fucking with me?  
TT: I feel like you’re fucking with me Dave.  
TG: i legit didnt know until now  
TT: Bu-  
TT: But how is that possible?  
TT: How could you not have known until now?  
TG: i guess it just never came up  
TT: How can that not have come up at some point?  
TT: How could a child never learn their middle name?  
TG: ...  
TG: i dunno  
TG: its not like i ever asked  
TT: Why not?  
TG: uhh  
TG: i gotta go  
TG: do a thing  
TG: pack  
TT: For what?  
TG: egberts  
TT: Dave we’re just visiting, not staying the night.  
TG: sorry im too busy packing  
TG: ttyl  
TT: What are you even deflecting from?  
TT: I feel like that was a rather innocuous question.  
TT: Dave?  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you remember Snoop Lion? Pepperidge Farms remembers.


End file.
